Still fucking depressed. Going to therapy is helping but I've been struggling to do anything. I think that I need a change, but I don't know what that is or if I even have the energy for it.

I've been feeling "more", and by more I mean what an ant would be feeling, and thinking is just about the same. It's putting more misery in my heart.

I seriously don't know what else to say. I've been living like cave mold, or like one of those salamanders that stay absolutely still for decades. It's annoying that I can't just stop everything at once, but if I could I know that I would never do anything ever again.

What sucks the most is that I'm always asked if I'm at risk to myself. I won't hurt myself. I won't kill myself. I'm trying so hard to take care of myself. I don't know what people expect out of me, but it seems to be worse than it actually is.

I just wish I was better so I can feel love again.

Feeling: like bare drywall

Location: nowhere

Needing: to be held so tenderly

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. I got into a bit of a depressive rut. I'm doing better now, but I still feel very fatuiged.

Not much has gone on. I am on actual antidepressants now! I woke up and I felt like an empty flower pot. I don't feel like I can think much at all, but I'm glad to have the energy to think.

I've been thinking about a "Minds" project for my site. I'll have to figure it out. It'll be paired with a side of my site I have yet to work on. I hope I can do it all!

Feeling:_________________

Location: Somewhere afar, somewhere better

Needing: Not sure

Feeling a bit indescribable today. Hard to put it into words! I had a good day. Did a little loop around my area and got some fresh air. Made sure to leave my headphones at home.

A friend finally got back to me after years of inactivity. It had been so long that I didn't realise how much I missed them. We caught up a little, and it hit me that everyone I know is always going through something, even if I don't see it. I should be a more consistent friend with more people, I just find it hard to not focus on one or two people at a time.

I need to change my bedsheets really bad. I think I'm getting bitten in the night because of it. I feel like a slob all the time but I can't help but live in my shitty messy room. I don't know when I'll let myself do anything about all this mess. I hope that as my mental state improves I'll be able to do something.

Speaking of mental state, I'm doing better already. It's only been two days, but I was put on Amitriptyline, mainly for pain, but it is an antidepressant too. I've been more motivated to take as much time as I need.

I never expected that I would actually be depressed. For the longest time I used my gratitude and situation to downplay my mental suffering. For years I trudged through life while suffering without realising, thinking that everyone lived like that. Frankly I was embarrassingly close-minded. I'm glad to have accepted that I suffered and still suffer. I'm looking forward to getting better and moving forward.

Funnily, actually knowing I'm depressed hasn't done much bad for me. I feel more emotionally in tune than ever, if a bit AWOL in sudden moments, but overall I feel free. I'm full of love I never thought I was capable of. I'm stopping to admire the littlest thing. I'm saying things that I mean with my heart. I want to laugh and cry for no reason, both for the same joy.

I hope that you feel the same love as I do. I hope that your mornings aren't painful. I hope that every day has something to smile about.

Feeling: Yes

Location: My desk

Needing: TO BRUSH MY TEETH TWICE A DAY!!

Had a very good day today. I went out to see my doctor about my chronic pains, and we've started a case about it. I need to see them again next week for something else too.

I have 4 new prescriptions, fortunately I didn't need to pay a cent for any of them :). I also had a blood test. I could feel the needle sitting in my arm after it was pierced but it didn't really hurt. I did freak out very slightly about that but I kept it cool.

I was really happy most of the day. In my head I was laughing so much. I'm thinking more positively about my future again and having all this start up to work towards my health as a whole is really amazing.

What really hit me is how convenient the new bus changes have been for me ever since they changed them last year. Its so much easier to get around my area now, especially now that busses are so frequent. I was out for about 2.5 hours and took 4 buses, but if they were still the old version I would have waited and waited and waited.

I've also been recommended to keep a journal of my pain, so I'll be doing that here. Discretion is advised. Might take down access later.

Feeling: The sun on my face

Location: Right at home

Needing: Some damn groceries

I had a fun day today. Managed to keep it lighthearted (as opposed to yesterday), which was an interesting turn. I guess its because I had something to look forward to today.

I celebrated a friend's birthday and had a little to drink. A little disappointed with the food and service but it was entirely worth seeing my high school group again after what, 4 months? Sorry guys >_<;

I also spurred a recontact with an old good friend (hi Connor!!) thanks to me working on this site, which is always welcome.

Not much else to say! I have uni tomorrow, and I'm still debating stopping the course. I don't even have the heart to look at the briefs anymore. It's been bothering me ever since we got back for this half of the year.

I have to think about what I want to do when I do go, no matter when that is... I'm a little lost

Feeling: Bouncy n Fluffy

Location: Next to you

Needing: More time in the day!!

All things considered, I had hoped to have had a positive start to my webjournal, but oh well. You can't win em all. It felt like today was SUPPOSED to be a nice day, which is the real kicker for me.

I went out for the first time since Tuesday, which was refreshing. I couldn't help but disassociate, though, and every moment was soaked in this indescribably, silently miserable feeling. It let off a vapour akin to that of most rubbing alcohols. I felt overwhelmed very easily and I noticed that I had a problem with anything and everything. I think I'm reverting back to the mental hell that was 2022-2023. I thought I was making progress.

That aside, I'm probably depressed. I need to talk to my doctor about that, as well as other more personal things that affect my life just as much. For the mostpart I don't think I'm even able to point any fingers as to why I'm like this. Some things don't need to have a blame or cause.

I learnt about cognitive distortions yesterday, too. Look them up sometime.

My cat is still very cute every day though. Every time I lay my eyes upon her its like I've never seen her before. I'll take what I can get today.

Feeling: <(- -)> Inferior

Location: Halfway across the world

Needing: A hug, a change of pace